my mother thinks i'm a joke.

Every single thing that i say or do, my mom laughs in my face looks at me like i'm the biggest douche bag she's ever met. I'm so fucking sick of it.  As am I with all of this christmas bullshit.

snow day

Today is a snow day.  Fortunately, Sam and I are currently confined to my home.  All day, we've just been laying in bed.  We are drunk.  Today, we have: creeped myspace and facebook, [fake] played guitar, and drank.  I just painted the painting that I am giving my brother for christmas; I hope he likes it, but he probably won't. We're about to play a game called, "Boobie Trap." Once we are sufficiently intoxicated, we'll proceed outside the confines of these walls and play in the snow. It will be great.

Excellent.  

Curiouser & Curiouser

I have become stuck upon a wall, filmed with the filth of another year passed.  I do not contest, I do not ebb in hope of sweet acquittance.  I comply with the fate that my body has become as captivated as the trash receptacle that is my mind, and quickly swallow what has been placed before me.  Incarcerated to the ceaseless deceit that seems to cascade from the mouths and minds of our widely despised [beloved] media, I am yet ever so free to think for myself within their specified guidelines.  With each fleeting year, the cells that comprise my brain seem to further accumulate, yet i find it harder and harder to do what comes natural and think for myself.  "Curiouser and Curiouser!" once cried Alice.  Well, luckily for me, curiosity killed the cat. 

For what will we have to say for ourselves when the moment of judgement finally arrives?   Perhaps the irrefutable malice that constantly seethes from our pores will be what saves us all. Or, perhaps our good intentions are that of idle nature, and that without acting upon those intentions, we bring upon our own affliction.  For each devoted sin, have we liberated ourselves of a good deed?  Can we barter each of our moral demerits for something of equal or lesser value?  We raise our glasses higher to those who constantly transgress the world's universal moral boundaries.  

The scales of good and evil have capsized; I leave these provisions for your consideration.

I've decided that i'm going to start being more optimistic, and start trying to make the best out of everything. There's no point in being miserable.

It's likely that this is easier said than done, but we'll see what happens.

I haven't bl0gg3d in a few days, so let me update you. Oh shit, my life is almost as boring as sleeping. Actually I wish that I was always sleeping, that waY I wouldn't have to deal with shit. I'd like to say that I'm just being existential, but I think it may just be called despondency. Except I'm really not even that depressed; just stressed.

The bad news: With that being said, I'm so stressed out about everything right now. I have 3 papers, 2 portfolios, and 2 exams to prepare for. It fucking $ucks. One of the papers is due tomorrow morning and I've barely started it... so i guess i'm fucked. I'm also stressed about some dumb shit that I got myself involved in with my best friend and some kid she's been seeing, so now we're not friends. And finally, I'm stressed about getting into school for next year so I can go away. I'm sure i'll get in, but as I've said many of times, the thought of having to stick around here for another year is enough to put my stomach in knots.

The good news: On the upside, I got an A on my Sociology paper that accounts for 40% of my semester grade. However, shortly after I realized that my professor is a professor at CCRI, and that English is his second language, therefore slaughtering the worth and credibility of my paper. 0h well. I've learned a few chords on my guitar this week via the internet, so that's cool. I'm S0UPT for winter break, mainly just for courtney to be home. She's the only person i like. I hope my mom goes away over break so I can have a party while everyone's home from school. If I do, you all are invited. (and by 'you all,' i mean no one, because that's who reads this).

l8tr

I've been on the fence lately about what I want to get for a tattoo on my 18th birthday . . .
However, I saw a tattoo of a literary definition that i really liked and I came up with these ideas :

life (laf). [n. F. libban f. líf .] I. The condition or
attribute of living or being alive; animate
existence. Opposed to death. (O.E.D.)


apathy (ˈa-pə-thē). [n. F. apatheia.] Indolence of mind,
indifference to what is calculated to move the feelings,
or to excite interest or action. (O.E.D.)


I'm not sure which one i'm going to do, it would be on the inside of my left bicep (or lack thereof).
It would be in Times New Roman

I don't really have much to say, everything has been pretty boring lately i guess. I've been so unmotivated lately to do anything from work to school work. blahhhhh. I had one huge paper due today that's 40% of my semester grade, and it was complete shit and I know it. THEN, I have two more big papers due on Thursday as well. I can't fucking wait until this semester is over. I feel so guilty because I haven't visited my grandfather since like the day before thanksgiving. I just haven't really had time, so i need to go tomorrow. . .

I wish I didn't have to wait until next year to get out of here. I know that I constantly reiterate this, but I'm so bored with everything. The only thing that's stopping me from applying to Emerson for next year is the $65 deposit . . . I just need to fucking do it already, even though I doubt that I'll actually get in. I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm stuck here for another year. I don't know why i made the decision to stay here in the first place, or why i applied to schools that I would never go to.

I need to find a good book to read. Preferably something depressing, perhaps on the same par as "the virgin suicides." I've forgotten how much I liked that book; maybe I'll read it again.

I'm boring . . . bL@hHhH

hello hello.
So yesterday was thanksgiving, that was pretty cool. Courtney and I went to the football game to see some people from high school. It was much more awkward than expected... but oh well. If it was the awkward and at times unbearable then I can only imagine the 5 year, 10 year, 20 year reunion and so on. After that I had dinner at my house and stuff, and did the whole family thing for most of the day. Then I hung out with Courtney and Ashley, which was interesting, to say the least. I found out that my grandfather was placed back in the ICU, which really fucking sucks. I don't think it's getting any better, so i don't really know what's gonna happen. And of course my dad always says dumb shit like "i think he's coming to the end," just to be dramatic and make everyone feel like shit.

Today I did nothing all day. I talked to my dad because he picked up my new (ashley's old) guitar that was getting fixed and restrung. He's insisting that I take lessons, even though i'd kind of rather learn on my own... but I guess his idea makes much more sense. Later on in the day, Courtney and I went to American Apparel and then we all went to La Salette... it was pretty cool because I haven't been there in years. It was nice to hang out with everyone and just laugh and talk about stupid shit.

As I said before, I really want to go away to school next year. I know that I my indecisiveness often gets the best of me, causing me to change my mind about it constantly. However, this time, I really need to stick to it... I'm often apprehensive about actually going away, but I know that if I actually just do it I'll be fine; so i need to keep telling myself this.

GiRlTaLk ToMmOrRoW!
later

"What is it, to live?" asks the old man,
a man who has become meek and feeble from the wear and tear of life.
Bitter to the bone after years of self deprivation and ridicule,
the man looks to his wrinkles and asks to himself, whole heartily, simply, "life?"

These fine lines and pieces of sagging flesh are not the result of age,
but the compilation of recurring incidents and "mishaps".
Each of which have left him with a further general apprehension and disdain than before.
Each taking away from, while simultaneously adding to, that which we call life.

He has seen people take, but not give.
Been witness to countless wars.
This man has said "goodbye" to wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and all those in between.

Time and again, the man has said "goodbye."
But never "hello."

"The fire of devotion was only an ember."

Most of my day was pretty boring, to say the least. I got a haircut, and then went to the library to work on a paper and got close to nothing done. I blame this solely on facebook and myspace... the internet has ruined my life... but i don't know what i would do without it. It's like meth or something. Anyway, I worked @ cHiLiS from about 5-930.

After that I went to go pick up Courtney, because she's home for the weekend! I love cout, she's really my best friend. I honestly can't really think of more than one fight that we've ever been in... I have a few best friends, but i think out of everyone we get on each other's nerves/fight the least. And we have so much in common. I think that we could hang out every day, which we have, and we would never get sick of each other. We're the same person.

Next: I think I'm going to apply to Emerson for next year. If that doesn't work out then I'm hoping that Emmanuel accepts me, once I send my last reccomendation letter in. I really need to get away from Seekonk and do something interesting with my life. Broaden my horizon's, if you will. It's time for a change.

L8tr